Saturday, May 29, 2010

April Doings (What was done in April)

As the lovely ladies of CYF know, wedding season is the most important period to be noted in a seasonal calendar, being even more important than the time of year in which white clothing is no longer tolerated. Following that lead, it only makes sense that April contained a wedding. Well, not the whole thing mind you. This wedding included the cake, decorations, music and invitations sure enough, but notably absent was the groom who is living in the United States and who i'm sure is blissfully ignorant of the whole hubbub. April was the month where we were suppose to be montando a project with kids in a civics class in the local colegio about peace (apparently?). Anyone with experience in any kind of school has already guessed that this meant lots of time waiting at the front entrance for the teacher or director or assorted henchmen to show up to collect us. In one of these sessions, we planned Tiffany's upcoming wedding. I got dibs on the cake, and its going to be awesome. Without giving too much away, with two years to practice (unless she jumps the gun this December which we're all rooting for) this cake will be so epic people who see it will be getting married left and right just to have one of their own. I take no responsibility for what that will do to social security when my cake fueled baby boom generation retires.


April, I guess, is also fall. Leaving summer behind and moving ever so reluctantly (for the people who know whats coming) towards winter, that sort of makes April fall right? Fall being my favorite month here, it only makes sense that my family would go out for an idyllic day in the Parque de la Paz. Idyllic because it included all the activities that comprise precious childhood memories such as kite flying, (Costa Rican) snow cones (which are made "Costa Rican" by the inclusion of obscene amounts of fat and sugar for "taste"), observing works by local artists in the form of poorly done graffiti and of course, sliding down a steep hill in a cardboard box. I thought it was strange at first to see hundreds of small children running up a hill with cardboard boxes before I realized that this is really much more dignified than rolling down it, and moreover, is kinda like recycling.


Along with the cultural patronage I had received at the hands on my host uncle and his spray can, I was also blessed in this month with the opportunity to expand my knowledge of classic film with a film almost rivaling in sheer awesomeness anything Smith College Film Studies 101 deems important. Would you believe that up until this point in my life I had never seen Saw? Sadly I wont be around to see all seven which my host parents are dead-set on doing, (get it, DEAD-set??) but if they're anything like the first one, I can't possibly understand how the Oscars could have passed up these masterpieces of cinematography! (Also, I finally saw The Princess and the Frog and was pleasantly surprised)


Unfortunately, as it always does, the hyperbolic curve of my life contrived to destroy me again. (here's a visual: http://www.revisioncentre.co.uk/gcse/maths/1overx.gif) As potential to have lived in a place long enough to be settled in and happy reaches infinity on one side, the time I spend in a place without making a fool of myself also reaches a tipping point at which the probability that i'll do something stupid to ruin myself in everyones eyes tilts sharply towards the impossible to avoid angle. And thus, my worst fears were nearly realized. Would you like to know about the boogeyman of CYF? The one we all hope and pray we'll never look in the mirror and realize is us? It was some dude who dated an underage girl. A person who came to this country to protect children only to (in the eyes of the law and anyone with morals) do the exact opposite. Did you also know its almost impossible to tell ages in this country? People who look 16 end up being 25 and people who look 25 end up being 16. Nothing more needs to be said on that front, except that I realized that to successfully keep myself out of jail these next two years I should never allow myself to find a Tico handsome lest the 'Peace Corp tragedy' that showed up on my MASH sheet comes true.


Speaking of Peace Corp tragedies, another near miss on this author's part inspired an urban legend called "Los Aspirantes a la Deriva." Based on an almost true story, it details the events that happen to a band of foolhardy volunteers who against the warnings of the ghost of JFK, wander into the jungle in search of a prophesied waterfall only be meet by and be done in by a mysterious man with a machete. As I said, this is very nearly true except for the parts that aren't, most important being that the man with the machete did not do anyone in, but instead was content to hang out and be half naked. (But very amiable!)


So while yours truly aptly avoided being the opening credits for a crime show once again, I'm happy to report that in my host family, health and well being were also the buzzwords of the month. Judith, since my arrival, had been suffering a painful and profound back injury that left her in constant pain and unable to walk at anything more than feet-shuffling speed. Concerned, she managed to get a date at the hospital for a back surgery that happened to fall roughly a week before it cured itself of its own accord. You didn't read that wrong by the way. Roughly a week after having her surgery, Judith participated in a prayer session in front of her whole church where she was magically cured of that same injury in what the preacher could only describe as a miracle and I can only describe as rather incredible. Long story short, people were weeping. With great passion.


With that powerful dose of the power of positive thinking, Judith's recover was swift, and she was soon her chipper self, but now walking at normal speed. Elated, she immediately set out to plan the rest of the life God had given her a second chance at. From what I could garner from her excited and far too rapid spanish, this mainly consists in having Cristiano Renaldo's babies.


Well that nearly concludes the list of things that happened that month, except of course for that day that I hung out in a bullring with prostitutes while we ran away from charging bulls. Which is kinda self explanatory as thats exactly what happened. Whats much less obvious than that is the fact that for some reason my spell check tries to correct the word prostitute to prostate. Will wonders never cease?


Till next month!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

March Happenings (What happened in March)

My San Antonio family is a case. Upon arriving my first day, my introduction to them was warnings about what I might expect there. I don't remember which exactly came first, the "I'm a terrible cook and you'll be eating terribly…everyone complains" warning or the "The kids arn't here this weekend, take advantage of it cause you'll wish for death when they show up" warning but suffice to say, taken in tandem it made me warm to them immediately. I chalk it up in retrospect to the fact that Dan is obviously a psychic and doesn't take into account anything we might say (like me asking not to be put in a family with small children) but in fact puts us in the place that we've been secretly wanting the whole time.


It was a rocky start, mainly because I was suffering a pretty severe brand of homesickness mixed with a healthy dose of why am i here(???) and topped with the fact that the kids for the first three days after their prophesied arrival were utterly terrified of me. I mean, i know i'm bigger than them, but thats hardly an encouraging start to two years of working with small kids to realize within the first week that i'm as good as the boogyman to my target population.


An introduction to each family member:


Judith (age 26): Is terrified of natural disasters in a totally awesome way. Right after my arrival it seemed like the whole world was simultaneously being hit by an earthquake which she naturally took to mean that god was angry and the end of the world was coming. One of my best moments in country was an earthquake that hit us around midnight one night roughly a week after showing up, which caused my host-mom to bolt out of bed and yell at the top of her voice "Se acabo!!!" (which I can only assume refers to the world). An interesting side note: she also argues in her sleep. My first night with my family I was woken up in the early hours of the morning by her yelling "NO KARI!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"


Ritchie (age 23): Is, in case you didn't notice, the same age as me. The SAME age. With two kids and a house. A good reference to what my life would be like had I gotten married in or right after high school. Which in all honesty doesn't seem like such a bad life looking at him, especially if my kids were like Kevin's host brothers who I maintain are totally evil but totally darling. But however evil and endearing my imaginary kids would be, three months of both of them warning me with as serious as a face as they could put on that I should learn from their example and NEVER have kids has quenched that dream. Additionally, Ritchie's claim to fame within our house and around the local area is that he seems to have been born playing bass guitar and from there evolved to playing a whole one mans band worth of instruments.


Josue (age 2): Is basically Ritchie's doppleganger. With a vocabulary seemingly limited to "Hola Kari," "Mis tennis," and "No hay payasos" (the last one I find a very interesting window into his worldview), he finds expression both in the way he constantly looks depressed with his head hung down to his chest as he runs in circles around the house, and the fact that he's very likely to be a musical virtuoso. Not only does he play the drums, but when music videos play on tv, he takes his plastic guitar and plays and dances along with the song.


Noe (age 5): As much as Josue takes after Ritchie, Noe takes after Judith. Not only do they have arguments like a well tuned Abbott and Costello, they can both get amazingly distracted when the tvs on (him with Curious George and her with Troy, her weakness). Noe can be accurately described by the words "Monster Jam" which is what he lives and breaths. (If you don't crush small cars or turn wheelies, you might as well be dead to him.) That said, I have done these things with him, along with allowing him to school me in soccer, basketball (in full view of the mechanics shop next door), fort building and board games so we're cool.


A few more notes about my life that month:


-My family is evangelical. This makes two host families i've stayed with in Catholic countries. This particular church, located at the end of our street features kids who come to church dressed up as batman, Richie on bass guitar in the church band, a constant stream of people fainting and talking in tongues, miracles (as i'll talk about later) and religious movies whose openings are covered by local news (making this the second time i've been on tv in the last year and the 6th time overall).

-My family has drama. My first time having coffee with my extended host family happened to fall on the same day my host aunt got fired from her job.

-Police here have a file on me. During one of our first spanish classes, we had to walk around the neighborhood introducing ourselves to local business owners. We went to the police station, and after a brief interview with a far too concerned police officer, our presence is filed in San Antonio's police log.

-Along with directions ala Tica (which anyone whose seen my mailing address here has a taste of) mail can apparently also be sent to any old post office in country and for a small fee we can go pick up letters from the room in the back, assuming they're addressed to us

-I went to the hospital once, and almost went back on several occasions since apparently my body when I cross streets is a magnet for moving vehicles

-I have four "husbands" here, three have jobs related to providing security. I guess opposites attract?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Digamos que...

A very wise person told me today that while they were a pretty proficient writer before coming to Costa Rica, the more they practice and mejorar their spanish, the more the scale tips away from even the most basic english comprehension. I'm very glad they told me that, my misery as comparatively under-qualified as it is, loves company.

It began gradually at first, the shift in the balance of powers then with alarming frequency until now i literally feel the most basic english words slip out of my hands as i grasp for enough of what remains to fill the space until sentences end. My spelling is increasingly become a danger to myself and others as well. Boggle games devolve into discussions not of whether words exist (olde english totally counts) but how hone is spelled. or whet. or tie. At the same time, my spanish is not only improving but becoming noticably Tica. I no longer even hesitate before busting out Ud, and I have become indirect to a fault, throwing "digamos que" into conversation as if I were Charles Dickens being paid by the word.

Obviously, there is only one possible thing to do in this situation. Read Steven Fry. Therefore I leave you with this lucious tidbit from The Liar:

"Everything he saw became a symbol of his own existence, from a rabbit caught in headlights to raindrops racing down a window pane. Perhaps it was a sign that he was going to become a poet or a philosopher: the kind of person who, when he stood on the sea-shore, didnt see waves breaking on a beach, but saw the surge of human will or the rythms of copulation, who didnt hear the sound of the tide but heard the eroding roar of time and the last moaning sigh of humanity fizzing into nothingness.

But perhaps it was a sign, he also thought, that he was turning into a pretentious wanker."